hello, my name is

Jessica.
I tend to think that naming your child is your first act in parenting and therefore, it's reasonable to expect people with a certain name to behave a certain way. There's a reason the movie "Heathers" is called "Heathers". I have never met a Tiffany whose neurons were firing properly or an Angel who didn't think she was the center of the universe, and I almost always get along with Toms. Kevins seem for the most part easy-going and all three Alyssas I've met have been very smart. I've had three crushes on Andys so far in my lifetime, and had I been born a boy, rumor has it that would have been my name (coincidence?). I don't know what Jessicas are like, I really don't, but would be interested to know what motivated my parents to call me that and what images my name conjures for others.

I can tell how I feel about someone the first time they call me Jess, sometimes before I have consciously considered how I feel about that person. I never invite people to call me that, though most people who know me well do. If you call me Jess and it creeps me out, there's a good chance I'll never trust you. If I like it, I realize you're my friend. Only people who knew me when I was three get to call me Jessie, and if they spell it Jesse that's a boy's name and that's the end of that.

Christine.
Again, I'm not sure what motivated my parents to name me this, since my family is not particularly Christian. My mom says that combined with Jessica it has lots of nice hard sounds which made it easy to sound angry when scolding me. Really I don't think of my middle name as part of me. When I meet a Christine, I don't go, hey, that's my name too. I'd like my kids to feel differently about their middle names one day, and will maybe even pick ones I'd call them by at home.

Lynam.
Growing up this was a pain in the ass name to have because nobody seemed to know how to pronounce it. It also always sounded really nasally to me. When I took a married name, though, I missed it, and whenever anything would come addressed to me as Lynam I'd get warm fuzzies. Not to mention my married name was Dutch and I got sick of Dutch people getting all excited and wanting to include me in this secret Dutch club or something (If you ain't Dutch, you ain't much).

Now that I have it back I know I will never trade it again, not even if I get married seven hundred fifty times over. I will happily endure spelling and pronunciation errors for the rest of my life. I'm still undecided about hyphenating, but Lynam I am and Lynam I shall stay. I like it when people call me by my last name only; it seems playful and unfeminine, and I like inventing new ways to help people remember how to spell and say it (line 'em up and knock 'em down). I also feel like it's a big step in getting back to the business of being the person I want to be. The girl with the other name did some things I didn't like. That girl both was and wasn't me. I don't believe in clean starts. I have to own my mistakes, under any name, and this isn't an attempt not to. It just feels like one more step in the right direction to have my name back.