Thursday, May 24, 2007

back to chamba

That's Mexican slang for work. Yup, I'm back in Queretaro, Mexico, my favorite slice of desert paradise. Although in some ways I feel I arrived before I actually got here.

The feeling of being back wasn't what I had expected. I helped my airplane seat-mate mortify his mother by pretending to be his gringa bride (it was sad...she actually almost cried when I turned out to be just another passenger) and found my way to my bus. So far so good, but when we started down the Distrito Federal's (that's Mexican for Mexico City) chaotic, labyrinthine streets I felt tired, annoyed and -- and here's the thing that really freaked me out -- not the least bit excited to be here.

Granted, I was physically exhausted, having worked through my last full day in the States and almost stayed up all night with Nayt and the neighbs in Chicago. I was also stressed from trying to move my trip up by 2 weeks and arranging to stay twice as long. But I was here now, shouldn't I be at least a little glad, excited, invigorated? Instead I felt hostile toward the pollution and litter, the traffic, the graffiti, the vatos locos thuggishly staring, trying to decide whether to talk me up or shake me down. I felt hostile toward Mexico in general, toward my own lack of plans for the afternoon. I resented my monster suitcase and having to carry it everywhere, having to buy a phone card to use the public telephone.

You must understand: I am never not excited to be in some far-flung land. Never.

I finally hit on it. As much as I loved being here the last time around, underneath the euphoria, the exhilaration, I was actually really sad. At the time I thought I had experienced the worst of my heartbreak, confusion, loneliness, grappling with the darkest portions of myself. Soon enough I would realize that the scariest and most painful part still awaited me. That sadness was all there, I just wasn't acknowledging it yet. Nonetheless it was the first thing I felt when I landed this time around.

When I got to Querétaro I had three phone numbers and no plans. I reached my future roommate and she chewed me out for not e-mailing her, then gave me directions to her family's (my adoptive familia's) house for lunch. I was welcomed with delighted hugs and a home-cooked feast. Later we had a party at the apartment with several of the people I've spent nearly a year missing, as well as some other welcome faces. The next day I saw all but a few of them, and since then I've managed to see all but two or three of my cuates (that's Mexican for buddies, güey).

In short, I'm in love with Querétaro all over again.